doctor_stan's Journal

1:39am: Every documentary I've seen lately eventually gets to the moment where the interviewee realized that punk rock wasn't ever about the music, and every time they tell the story you can tell that its more than just an epiphany; it seems to change everything. These are the people I feel like I can associate with. The people who get it.

I don't watch these documentaries because I want to hear about the glory days or to recapture some purer time, I want a blueprint. I want to know how it worked. Of course that's never what you get, but one can learn so much just by listening. It always comes back to the same thing: it worked because it had to.

Things are so different now, but yet they remain the same. Its silly think that that it wasn't about who you knew and the hype machine back then, because that was the only way you found out about stuff. The roads were paved 20 years ago, but now they're so crowded its hard to get through. You have isolated scenes within isolated scenes. You have more chaff than ever before. There has to be some way past all of it.

That's why doing what you want to do is so important. If you build it, they will come. I'm not talking about existing in a vacuum and doing stuff for the sake of doing it either. Its about being authentic and doing it because you believe in what you're doing. People will always get behind authenticity. That's why punk rock changed the whole ball game. That's why its still around. That's why people like me can't get over it.

I'm doing what I can, but its hard to dive in. We spend years learning the right way to do things, and its hard to go for broke. Life is hard.

1:59am: For the first time in months, I have a stable internet connection. No more of this waiting around to see if the neighbor's unsecured network will come back into focus. Since I always give credit where its due, I'm going to give props to Raider for finally breaking down, becoming the bigger man, and purchasing six months of internet service.

Car troubles aside, life is a hoot. I've found a new buddy to NOISE JAM with and I am making tons of new homeis. I still have trouble thinking of what I'm doing as REAL LIFE but whatever I guess. I suppose for now I can be content just hanging out until I start to move closer towards achieving one of my many goals.

At work I'm super empathy dude, but when I get home I realize I'm losing touch. Pretty soon I'll be the guy that can't give reliable opinions because I'm too far gone. My spicy food meeter is totally busted. My idea of straight forward narrative is warped, and I have no clue when it comes to what counts as "alienating" when it comes to music. Kevin warned me when he said "you'll become everything you hate." I think he meant that I was going to become a libertarian, but he is totally right. I'm becoming a grocery list of personal attributes. What if though my sophistry and continually talking about stupid stuff I stop being able to see the other side of things? It feels like a chore to contemplate why other people think differently than me. I usually bypass this step and just convince my audience I'm right by using sophism. Now that I can't relate anymore, whats the point of even trying?

Its becoming spring again at work and I feel like I've been there for too long. I'm starting to know what is going to happen next. I'm working on my new zine and I've got a mile of questions and a ton of stats but no answers. Its unsatisfying to work all day on these ideas and still not get anywhere on them. If I can't come up with answers, I'm just stuck reinforcing my world view. Talk about a bummer.

I have a happy birthday soon, and the party should be all killer. I've been spending quite a bit of my time being cynical about life, and it is really paying off. I've also been trying to play up the bummer aspects of things but over all things are decent. Write what you know, etc.

11:47pm: cool stuff that happened today at work

1. i got electrocuted putting a light bulb into a lamp
2. i shoveled snow for 4+ hours
3. an old guy said "you look like you really enjoy shoveling"
4. i dropped snow onto people while shoveling off the store's roof
5. i crushed a broken shopping cart with the forklift
6. everyone loved my joke about checking the list twice to see if it was done

11:55pm: When we are up in Houghton, we always try to be the last people to leave the party. I like to see things through to completion. The only people left were Anderew, Kevin, and myself. Kevin was facedown on the futon. “Perkins,” he requested. I told him that no one should drive. “Perkins,” he repeated. I was dressed up in my two coats, hat, and gloves. My shoes were tied and I was ready to roll. Andrew on the other hand was not ready to go at all. “Go get your stuff on,” I told him while I kneeled down to talk to Kevin about the good old days. I started to reminisce about all of our good times and I was on a roll, the stories just kept coming. Puking at Perkins, the fire blowing incident, going to Ann Arbor, puking off the roof, and on and on. Kevin didn’t say anything so I didn’t stop. Unfortunately, it was the exact opposite moment from two years ago in the little tent; I stopped talking and the only reply Kevin graced me with was a snore. Disappointed, I stood up to be greeted with more disappointment: Andrew was still not ready to leave. After putting a blanket over Kevin, I walked over to the door and tried to look like I was in a hurry. Andrew was taking his time, stumbling around when suddenly he ran over to the futon. He leaned down, bracing himself with his left hand on Kevin’s forehead while his right hand produced a cell phone from his pocket. For thirty seconds he recorded Kevin’s gentle snores. Very pleased with his conquest, Andrew came back and we left. The night didn’t lend itself very well towards sentimentality, so I’m glad that Andrew captured something distinctly Kevin. Memories will fade, but that recording could outlive us all and become the ultimate document of the man we’ve grown to cherish.

11:31pm: This weekend was kind of blah until I realized my unrealized goal: to make my guitar have multiple outputs! I was pretty nervous at first, since I usually don’t like to screw things up, but after I got my confidence up it went pretty well. All you have to do is remove the switch that alternates between the pickups and then attach each pickup to a volume knob and an output. In addition, I also rearranged the pickups from the traditional three in a row like | | | to | = so that the first one picks up all of the strings and then the other two pick up the highs and the lows independent of one another. Aside from a little bit of bad grounding, it sounds pretty solid. This will open up a new door of possibilities, which is always a great thing. Imagine how sweet it will be when the highs are massively delayed and the lows have a snarling distortion on them. It will sound like a dog barking at church bells. If only I had a third amp!

In other news, I have my own forklift key. Work is totally bananas.

I also got the MER site up and running again. It has XML functionality and bio pages for all of the bands. The Wild Animalz debut album is almost finished being manufactured and I’m hoping to make more headway on a few other things before the new year rolls around. Stay busy/positive.

As a project oriented person, it is easy to let your gears spin when you don’t have anything to do. Its been hard for me to find compelling things since leaving school. I’ve realized what I want to do, but I keep coming back to the Hold Steady line where they say “dreams they seem to cost money and money costs some dreams.” I have no real intentions of joining corporate America, but without the moolah a “real” job would bring me, I’m totally hosed as far as making the cash to make things happen. It’s a real rock and a hard place kind of thing. I can’t help but think about all of the punk rock success stories out there of people just doing what needs to be done and surviving long enough to make it happen. I don’t know I’m idealizing it or if I sincerely think that I’m ready for that kind of commitment. All I know is that if I’m going to do a record store/venue, I need to get on it quick. If you wait too long to follow a dream, the fear sets in and then you’re totally screwed.

I know this is no way to end things, but you get what you pay for.

THE END

5:15pm: its an end of summer thing, where the remainder of light gets in through your windows that are covered with large dark sheets. the light seeps in while you listen to ethereal records and it heats the room up. it only happens in summer because there is no fractional light in the summer (the earth's axis isn't in your favor), you get it full blast. thats why you have to deal with the remainder getting in, modulo modulo modulo.

these are the lazy days when you don't have anything to do. its not like the beginning of summer when you dread bringing the laundry into your room for fear of convection. where you have no obligations but instead have lists of things to accomplish and no motivation to do so. days you wished you had a fan in your room.

now that the summer is ending i have a fan. my dad gave it to me after finding it at the dump. it is an air plane propeller that someone housed in a metal box. it takes 16 seconds to reach the gale force high setting, and 40 seconds to reach the medium setting, as if it really had to fight its instincts to spin the blades more slowly. there is no low setting.

the speaker hum jumps into noise as the tone arm finds the edge of the record i just put on. the delayed out sounds clarinets and saxophones turn up the heat. labor day is monday; summer is over. in the past i would have gone camping since the bugs are gone now, but since i'm all grown up, i celebrate by drinking canada dry. when you don't have to work, life is a real party.

10:34am: Going to zine fest proved to be the best weekend of this summer. I was prepared for it to be like 2005 where it was the most awkward room ever, where all of the tables were in a square and no one really talked to anyone else. When we showed up an hour late on the first day I was really completely surprised to see a room packed full of tables. I was even more surprised an hour later when there was an actual rush of people coming through to look at our zines. It was sort of weird being there as a vendor. It made me feel way more committed to the cause then as a viewer walking around with trades, but at the same time there was a weird sense of judgment that comes from people picking up your work and then putting it down without comment. Regardless, I traded/sold 89 zines.

I don’t think I’m going to write out all of the details, because I like to tell those parts in real life.

The after party was pretty awesome. W.A. got to play with a bunch of cool bands, and it was awesome hanging with Gordon and his crew. Our set went over really well. When we started playing there was a decent sized crowd in the basement, but once we were done it was a lot more full, so that was nice. One guy said that he knew exactly what we were talking about (in regards to Ohio) since he had lived there for awhile, and one dude said that we were “punk as f***” which is always nice to hear.

Gordon is going to co-release our debut album, so that’s pretty cool. We are getting closer to having enough places to play to do a tour. We just need to figure out the Chicago and Milwaukee areas.

More importantly than anything else, it was nice to be around people who are into the same thing I’m into for a weekend. Being at zine fest was awesome because everyone liked zines. No one had the same reason for why they do them or why they’re important to keep doing, but there was an understanding of what everyone stood for, even though it wasn’t necessarily the same thing. I also met a number of people that I found to be very inspiring. People who are taking life as it comes, following their dreams, and not settling for anything less. Gordon makes music and zines. He also lives out of his van when he has to. To me, that sounds like dedication to his dream. Get a job when you need money, go on tour when you don’t. I didn’t get to talk to Gordon as much as I wanted, but it was good to see him again and be reminded that you have a choice when it comes to living your life since its easy to forget that sometimes.

1:26am: joe mccarthy used to always talk about communists in hollywood, but i never knew how many of them were in the game show sector. they called them plinko commies.

the twin cities zine fest is coming up soon. dylan and i are still playing it, so it should be pretty awesome. i need to make more copies of my zines and make copies of our debut album that clocks in at 10:43.

i feel that m.e.r. is really starting to take off. we have tons of stuff coming out soon. its mind blowing!!!!!!!!

i got a noise album in the mail the other day and after listening to it about ten times i noticed that i was playing it at 45rpm instead of 33rpm. it sounded less weird at 33rpm, and maybe a little more intense.

2:12am: The most important parts of life go unsaid. People think tons of things that will never be uttered, things that would change the course of history forever. An understanding of the world around us, our particular microcosms and cultural norms, is the beginning of our hangups. Most things are held up in this stage before they even have a chance to grow into what they should become. We need to work past the doubt that has been built up in our minds and just go for the gold. Maybe there is a reason for the fear of rejection for telling someone something they don't want to hear, some sort of biological survival mechanism, but on TV this rejection never turns out as bad as the characters think. They always find that their adversary was just waiting to hear it from them and had already thought about it. Why isn't my life more like the television shows I watch? I mean, they're what creates my reality anyways, so maybe I should start following their play book. I should really try to build something this summer, as cheesy as it may be. I can't afford to waste any more time.

1:35am: Think of all of the people you barely know. What would they say when you suddenly disappeared. Everyone at S***** would barely remember me after a week or two. That is how it goes, you spend time with people doing things and then you become a memory of a blip on the radar. What can you do? Make every moment memorable? Give them a reason to remember you? Not everyone can have a Columbine Shooting or a World Series Grand Slam. I'd rather be forgotten than remembered for giving in.

11:59pm: LIFE IS GREAT
LIFE IS GREAT

Raider forces me to drink beer so we can have bottles for when we brew our own someday (pepperoni ipa and pickle stout).

Shopko is so awesome. My legs are falling off. Raider "cooked" ME dinner tonight.

The guitar I'm going to be working on (or commissioning) soon is going to have a pickups for every string and MULTIPLE OUTPUTS.

My lasagna has taken on a life of its own! Taco seasoning? Lasagna Bell Grande?

I made a new noise cd called BOYS OF THE SUMMER. It is pretty cool, to put it lightly. It has a live set from my brother's birthday party on it where I go NUTS.

Raider is forcing me to read books from his library. He is like Conan the Librarian. DON'T YOU KNOW THE DEWY DECIMAL SYSTEM?

Ian Mackaye interviews on the computer / Godheadsilo in the car / 9 million phone calls from Marie / The Creators for nonfiction reading

THANKS FOR ASKING

2:19am: zines at their best are inspirational.

some of the ones you get are kind of terrible. they are usually rooted in too much or too little zine tradition. i try not to think about them very often.

others are so well written that you wonder why anyone buys books. you can read those ones over and over. you will spend tons of time online trying to find new ones to top the last one you read, making want lists and saving them in your email.

this is of course a cycle. after you hit a dry spell, you don't look as hard any more. even if you do find a good one it doesn't really excite you as much as finding one did in the past.

but then one day you get a copy of a zine that is inspirational and everything changes. they're never very well put together; the layout is pretty sloppy and even though the worn out toner has made it unusually hard to read, something about the words is like a call to action. you want to stop wasting your time and start making something of your own. something real.

thats how you know you have one of the best zines.

11:22pm: (11:20:46 PM) Ale****82: i wish I would have recorded Dead Machines when I saw them
(11:21:17 PM) spa****tin: oh yeah?
(11:21:22 PM) Ale****82: they were good
(11:21:33 PM) spa****tin: thats olson and his wife right?
(11:21:47 PM) Ale****82: yeah
(11:21:54 PM) Ale****82: doing sex with contac mics
(11:22:02 PM) Ale****82: just kidding
(11:22:05 PM) spa****tin: lol
(11:22:08 PM) spa****tin: terrible
(11:22:15 PM) Ale****82: terribly awesome

12:29am: Every time I watch the movie Stranger than Fiction the last segment of the movie really hits home for me. Maybe its just that it is the last thing you hear before the credits, but maybe it is more than that. Maybe I need to make better choices about life. My actions don’t reflect the world, they create it! Etc.

"we make these little life decisions that funnel into who you become as a human and what you end up doing and how you spend your days"

1:04am:

Hip Hop Don’t Stop #7

(20 pages, 1/2 sized, b&w, stapled)

Who would have thought there would be seven issues of Hip Hop Don’t Stop? This one chronicles my post collegiate life as I move to Ohio, lose my job, and then move to Wisconsin. Gripping stuff. There is also some stuff about noise tapes and archiving information. This issue is pretty real life, not very much postmodernism theory. Is that a selling point? I’m not really sure anymore. Here is another selling point: my fifth issue was described as being “zine as hell” in the Quimby's catalog, which has to count for something.

Is $2 too much to ask? If you only send me $1 I will still send you one. I’d ideally ask for $1.50, but you know how change weighs down an envelope. I like trades too. Zines, noise tapes, whatever. No mix cds unless they’re of hardcore punk bands.

Drop me a line: tjdebela @ mtu.edu

Back issues ($1/each) can be seen here: http://www.hu.mtu.edu/~tjdebela/hhds/

9:31am: moving in with raider is like moving to the north pole. it is so cold in this house. it is awesome though because i hate being too hot. (one time his pipes broke because he wouldn't turn the heat on, which is awesome because he lives in an apartment building where that shouldn't even be able to happen.) when i woke up this morning i cranked up the living room stereo and rocked out the song where it goes "we're going to start it with a positive jam" so solidify my existence. when i showed up last night raider kept being unsure about what to do to make me feel welcome, so he just read a book like usual.

i kind of got lost when i first rode into town and i came across a carwash that said "NOW HIRING FULL TIME" so i'm going to go get a job there. the drive took me forever, since you can't go very fast w/ a uhaul. 12 hours + $37 in tolls. never again. it was kind of weird leaving ohio, but it was way more weird to leave it right after keweenawesomefest where i got like 12 hours of sleep in three days. it was pretty good times though, see my other blog in the near future, and wild animalz got to play one after party in mqt and one in houghton. i also got to lead a noise jam with val, trashpedal, andy, dylan, and jeremy. it was one of my highlights. i feel like i spent most of my time up there defending the ideas behind the fest instead of partying, but thats the way it goes. the car rides there and back were awesome. it was cramped with three of us in the car but it was worth it to hear jackie and dylan interact. also on the way back when dylan was too cool to come we chewed nihilist brand chewing gum (see hip hop don't stop #7), stopped with my parents for 4 hours, and then lived the life is a highway song telling april fools jokes nonstop.

now that i'm in ohio i need to figure out my two year plan so that things can progress. the end. lj for life.

4:30pm: Things are nuts lately!

Keweenawesomefest THURSFRISATSUN
Stevens Point, WI MONTUES∞

7:39pm: I’m listening to a noise tape that I recorded awhile back and it sounds entirely foreign to me. I remember making the tape, but I don’t remember these sounds at all. For awhile I was convinced that I liked the possibilities of composing sound with my noise but now I find myself feeling detached from that process. I sort of just want to jam and see what happens. It’s a journey that I can control, but sometimes you just gotta let if flow. Also: the tape is giving me a headache. I guess it is par for today. I have all the symptoms of the don’t leave your house all weekend: light sensitivity, dizziness, and headache.

12:05am: South by Southwest was awesome, but now I’m cold all the time. All I can do with myself is watch Law and Order and jam on the keyboard. I’m writing a real minor key song I think because it is heart wrenching. I wrote up my first day of sxsw music reporting in my new blog. If you google search my name my blog comes up. I am putting all of my music stuff in there, FYI.

We had some real good times. Andrew and I made a real good comedy team and Marie made a good mother. She always made sure I had my cell phone and money for water. I got drunk one night because I drank beers instead of eating dinner and I had a revelation about my goals/hopes/dreams/ideas/life.

If you don’t want to read the other thing, the show highlights were: Kit, Ima Gymnist, Death Sentence: PANDA!, the Mae Shi, Gowns, Why?, Mika Miko, Kimya Dawson, Chris Bathgate, and the Terrible Twos.

Word.

11:02pm: the double hand thrust that smashes the pedals and makes the noise roar is one thing i really love.

my job is more sketchy than ever.

i crashed my car on tuesday, lived at my boss' house for two days, and then got a mostly fixed ride back on thursday.

i recorded solo loner noise on monday for the first time in ages. the tape is really clipped out so its pretty primal sounding.

most excellent records is getting ready to take off soon.

11:02pm: this week one of the tattoo guys was going to get a vasectomy and he talked about how it was "something he couldn't change later on and would maybe regret" and i was the only person in america to notice the irony.

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xposted from the wmtu message bored:

Liars is one of my favorite bands. With each album they build upon what they've done before, but usually in a way that kind of catches you off guard. Their latest album is self titled and although it has a concept, its not the kind of concept their last two had. This one is pretty much just a straightforward rocker, a teen angst record. At first I didn't really dig it but then I realized that it was combining everything that I loved about them from their last three albums but in a way that I would have never expected. After I let it grow on me some more I really dug it.

Last night I had the good fortune of seeing them live. They were pretty good. Angus (the lead singer/facial contortionist) hurt his back and they weren't going to go on tour but then they went anyways. He spent most of the set in a chair, or standing straight up doing motions that wouldn't move his back. Even like this, he was super intense. Scary almost. Since he wouldn't be able to play the instruments very well like this, they had a dude who wasn't a part of the band playing everything and he was good, he hit all the sounds just right. The only thing wrong with him was he was too loud. The mix of songs was pretty good. A few from "Drum's not dead" and then a pretty even mix of the new one "Liars" and "They were wrong, so we drowned" (but they didn't play "broken witch" DISAPPOINTMENT). I don't really remember all the songs they did, but they did most of the hits.

I was pretty surprised at how conventional their pedals and stuff were. Their drum set up wasn't nearly as crazy as around the "Drum's not dead" time period. They used a drum pad to do the really spaced out drum sounds. Pretty much anything that sounds like a sample on the records was played from a sampler. It was sweet to see all of their songs blend together so well in a live setting.

They also had a split tour 7" with No Age that had a different cover design for every city (just the city name in the Liars looking hand writing). It was also dated. Kind of cool. I haven't listened to it yet, but it should be great! No Age was pretty awesome. Way better live than on record. The drummer/vocalist singled out my beard as being awesome. He pointed at me and said something along the lines of "diggin the beard."

---

also: spooky spooky washington show this weekend. our first album "house party" is done, but the covers are kind of screwed up a little. its part of my aesthetic, but i hate that aspect of my aesthetic.

11:52pm: i've been watching a ton of these tattoo shows on that one tv channel. the one in england sucks, but la ink is pretty decent. everyone gets tattoos for the same reasons: it looks cool, it marks a turning point, someone died, etc. i don't think i want to get one, but its kind of interesting in concept.

i've been going to lots of noise shows this year and it shows.

documentary about poster artists

the movie about the videos that get erased is going to be so awesome. watch all of the clips on their website.

3:46pm: You would not believe how hard it is to boil eggs. Seriously.

Today was my first time making pickled eggs and it was ROUGH. No one tells you this when you ask them for advice.

Since 2008 is the year of noise, I'm going to a noisefest tonight.

Also, I bought airplane tickets today so I can go to SXSW in March. What a commitment.

12:34am: Tonight I drug my bed across my living room so I could lay on it and watch the Packer game. This resulted in me falling asleep for half of the game, and the Packers losing.

Last night we went to a noise show. Slither and Graveyards ruled. I turned 23 yesterday, and lots of people called me. Friday night Val and Dylan threw me a surprise party. They are so nice.

I never wrapped up 2007 and I doubt that I will. My routine in my new location does not call for such measures. Weeknights are too busy looking at electronic schematics and partying down. Saturdays are reserved for listening to albums and Sundays consist of sleeping too much and eating very little. I usually don't leave my apartment on Sundays.

My future plans include unpacking, moving my bed back into place, learning to play the ukulele, and forging new connections.

12:42am: Massive Update!!!!

I am living in Toledo in an old apartment building. It is the bomb diggity. I hope to finish unpacking soon. It is nice to be able to spread everything out but sometimes i bemoan the fact that I can't really be loud. I have work arounds that I use often.

Before I moved out of Bowing Green I finished everything for Dan Daniel's first cd. I gave him half of the copies that I intend to make on the first run, even though I haven't made the other half of those copies yet. We named it Rage Against the Machine and I'm really hoping that we never get sued.

We played another Wild Animalz show the other day and it went pretty well. The Mahonies came and played so it was extra awesome. Before our set I broke my distortion pedal and a song or two in I busted my top two strings (they're the ones I use most often) and since I'd never done the stage thing before I couldn't really hear what was going on. It was kinda unnerving for me, but it went ok. Alex recorded us and the Mahonies so if you want to hear it, I can link you up.

Before I went to the UP for Christmas, I went to Mittenfest #2 and had a good time. I like the Ann Arbor folky scene events because its fun to get trashed and then chat everyone up. I got to see some good sets and reconnect with a number of people. I guess thats leaving it pretty vague, but whatever.

I have another zine in the works but I don't really know when I'll get done with it. I have lots of ideas for it but sometimes things done come together like you think they will. Sometimes rereading The Science Fiction Hall of Fame volume 1 is just more important.

I've been working alot, like 44 hours a week. My writing and critical thinking skills are starting to get used more so its a good change of pace. Its kind of fun planning out new initiatives instead of making dumb websites. I'm starting to learn PHP so I'm pretty psyched.

Since we started Spooky Spooky Washington a few months ago, we've kind of been sitting on our recordings. We have a split tape in the works, and our debut cd should be done in time for our next show on February 9th at the Dreamland in Ypsi.

I hung out pre New Year's with Mike Smith. It was rockin. While I was at his house I read his copy of Natural Disasters and I didn't dig it as much as I thought I would. It wasn't setup the same way the Burn Collector anthology was, it didn't preserve the zine feel really. Another reason may have been that I was skipping over the zines I'd read and just reading the Punk Planet excerpts and BC 11 (which had been out of print for a reason). Anyways those parts were really not that good in comparison to issues 1-9 and 13. They kinda felt like they were too much, if that makes sense. It was kind of disappointing.

My new year's resolution is to stay positive about living in Ohio and I've been doing a pretty good job so far. I haven't done as much exploring of Toledo as I had hoped I would do yet, but I plan on doing it sometime soon. I'm going to be switching to Ohio plates in the next week or two, since I'll be 100% illegal after my birthday instead of just being mostly illegal like I am right now.

The other day I was feeling kinda bummed about things. The straw that broke the camel's back was when I didn't make it to the bank on time to cash my check so I went and got a DVD player, the 3rd season of The Office, and the Explosions in the Sky cd that has the angel on the cover. All three were great buys. I hadn't seen the end of season 3 before I bought the dvd so it was good to know what happens. I watched some of season 4 online and it kinda sucks. I may rent it when it comes out.

Well thats about it. Not terribly exiting, but thats what you get when you don't update when you update not in a moment of passion but in a moment of maybe I should update this lj. As always, I'm much more fun in real life.